This is our decision, to live fast and die young. We’ve got the vision. Now let’s have some fun!
This is a very personal post and I am afraid that I’ll regret writing this. But then again, I’ve been afraid my entire life.
I took the phrase in the beginning of this post from the lyrics of MGMT’s song, Time to Pretend. I have been listening to this song for a while now and I love it. Recently, lots of things in life has been pressing on my shoulder. One night (I was stuck at work because I was on night shift), I idling sat in front of my laptop and all these thoughts started flooding out. Right then, I knew I have to write this post or I would suffocate and die.
You all know what I am doing for a living. It is a demanding job and I happen to be a perfectionist. I demand a lot from myself and I have been doing this since my high school years. A few months ago, my mother asked me if I felt sorry that I had no teenage life. At that moment, I realized that I have no teenage life (!!!). I jumped from being a child to being an adult instantly. I spent my high school days studying very hard and being very responsible. I sent myself into med school and I soared above everyone else in my training. Right now, I am still working hard to get through internal medicine training. And guess what, I already have plans in mind about what I am going to do next. After this, I am aiming for Rheumatology subspecialty fellowship. I want to be a big name scholar, a professor maybe. I want my name on international medical publications and have people invite me for some fancy special lecture. I will probably achive that eventually. This is a very realistic yet admirably ambitious dream.
But that night, alone in my room, I was exhausted. I was drained. I had been too busy persuing my goal that I never thought about what I could have done in the past ten years. I never realized about those possibilities, the alternate paths of life. Now I share with you some of the things I wish I had done.
1. have my ears pierced: believe it or not, I used to get my left ear pierced for like…six months when I first entered university. But it didn’t sit well with every one else. Why were they so conservative? I eventually stop that lest my image was tarnished. What a wasted. I wish I could wear many fake-looking, earings.
2. have long hair, really long and messy hair: No one knows that my hair was actually curly because it was very short and neat most of the time. This fact about my hair was revealed to me by my barber who told me that if I let my hair grow, it would be curly. How nice would that be! I want my hair long and flowing when I run. I would let it loose and let it be messy and shaggy. I wish I had that kind of hair so that I would be able to sit around idly and play with it and do nothing else. I might even dye it.
3. dress like hippies or junkies or rock stars!: I would probably look horrible in rags, fringed pants or jeans, brightly/flowery dyed T-shirt, sandals, sunglasses and bandana but who cares? I would be fun! (from the post title image: I don’t especially love Bleach but it has really cool hippie fashion sense!)
4. smoke pot all day and get drunk all night: Now this is getting dangerous! But I heard it was a potent way to escape from reality. I would love to experience hallucinations sometimes, seeing things that are not there and be irrationally happy. And don’t tell me that these things will kill me. I, of all people, know that. But is living a long life really matter that much?
5. go to crazy music festival and scream mindlessly: This one is very self-explanatory. I never have time or money or opportunity to watch any of my favorite artists or bands play live. Maybe I should have prefer more ‘local’ artists but that’s just not me. Sometimes, I felt like I live in the far side of the world :(
6. learn sword fight: On second thought, maybe this is not such a good idea because I might end up slashing people in halves and then get locked up for life in jail.
7. stop pretending and stop playing nice: This one will be a bit over-dramatic. Do you know that I am very nice to every body I encounter? I am always gentle and humble and rarely argue with anyone. People actually have good impression towards me. But in reality, I feel neutral to about half the people I know and I am genuinely feeling nice to about 1/4 of all people I deal with every day. The other 1/4 is the people I don’t like but still act nice towards them because I either need their approval/favor/appreciation/respect or whatever. That means I pretend to be nice for 75% of the time. While inside, I am no less than a selfish, sarcastic jerk. You wouldn’t believe what rans through my thought sometimes. I am a bit tired of acting, pretending or be afraid for my image all the time. There were times when I wanted to be alone and wanted to dismiss every people ruthlessly. There were times when I wanted to say nasty things to someone who deserved that. But alas, I have too much to lose.
This post is just a product of flash depression or transient emotional surge but it remains true on certain level. It doesn’t mean that I would have chosen differently if I could turn back time. I am more than content with where I stand right now. I suppose one cannot have everything he wants.
Now you must be thinking that this post has nothing to do with anime. Well, that’s because anime is real and I have it already. Thank you very much if you actually read through all these nonesense ramblings. I hope you enjoy it and may even be so kind to share your thoughts. But, for this one time, I write solely for myself and I don’t really care if you are bored to death by this post :P
ps. I need a holiday, badly